The Thinker–or Not

May3

I’ve decided I’m not much of a thinker. I’m more of a talker. And a writer. What comes out of my keyboard or my mouth is mostly unfiltered, except for socially acceptable morés. I haven’t always thought through everything I’m saying or writing. That’s why I need other people around me. I work at my kids’ school with a couple of “thinkers.” I depend on them to come up with the stuff to which I say, “Oh, I never thought of that!” I have to make myself think sometimes. I sit still, waiting for quiet (which in a household with three kids, a dog and a cat, quiet doesn’t come very often), trying to come up with profound thoughts. Rarely happens. I’ve learned not to shoot off e-mails without rereading them or running them by someone else first. Phone conversations are hard for me, because there’s no taking back what I just said, which I hadn’t had time to think through. I work better with a script.

So, if I’m talking to you, and I say something you think is a little off–or a lot off–feel free to ask me, “Are you sure that’s what you really think?” I won’t be offended, I promise. At least I think I won’t be.

Who Am I?

Nov2

Justin, Morgan, Nathan

After spending much of the last two days doing things with and for the kids that I didn’t really want to be doing myself, and feeling like a selfish PIG because of it, I’m trying to find out who I am again. What is it that I really enjoy doing? How do I spend time with my kids without feeling like I’m not getting any enjoyment out of it? What’s the matter with me? Who am I anymore?

I know I don’t like standing in lines. I know I don’t like amusement park rides. I know I get really tired of noise ALL the TIME. I don’t like being pulled around, clung to, whined at, argued with. I know I don’t like playing games that degenerate into bickering and crying when one loses or doesn’t get ones way.

The problem is, it’s not all about me. And I want it to be. Except that I’m a mature adult and know better than to act like that. But it’s how I want to act. I want it to be all about me. What if I don’t want to spend the day at Wet ‘n’ Wild? What if I don’t want to walk around for hours at a Fall Festival, then wait in line for more than an hour at the rock wall, only to have the child insisting I stay there with her give up after getting only three feet off the ground?

As was so plainly pointed out to me when I mentioned my feelings, I do many things that don’t involve the kids and that take a chunk of my time: I watch baseball, I read, I am on the worship team at church, I’m the copy editor of Worldwide Challenge magazine. We host a small group in our home every week.

All of that’s true, I am involved in those things and they aren’t kid-driven, but somehow all that seems more for survival than fun. And they’re things I mostly do alone. Nobody really enjoys watching baseball with me. I read by myself. I work from home as a copy editor by myself. The only things I do with other people are lead worship at church and host our small group. But those aren’t leisure-time activities that I find “fun.” They may be what God’s calling me to do right now, and they may be fulfilling, but they don’t bring me lighthearted joy.

I want to feel light hearted.

But if I’m not feeling that way, I don’t think it’s my activities that are the problem. Ouch. Don’t really want to have to face the condition of my heavy heart right now. Takes too much work. And I’m tired.

Tired of laundry and grocery lists and cooking. Tired of correcting homework and having frustrations taken out on me. Even vacations aren’t really vacations when disputes still have to be settled, cooking still has to be done, laundry doesn’t stop. I think I need a week at a spa.

And whether it’s my own vain imaginations or not, when I think of wanting to do something for myself, I feel guilty for wanting it. When I do sit down to read and my daughter comes to me wanting me to play with her, I feel very guilty for not really wanting to do that. It is all about the kids during these years, right? But what’s that the airlines say? Put the oxygen mask on yourself before you try to assist someone else.

I feel like I can’t breathe. And nobody in this house understands that. I really want them to understand. I want someone to ask me what it is that I want to do. But first I have to figure out what that something would be.

Getting my feet wet

Oct9

I’m totally new to this whole blogging thing, so we’ll see how it goes. I thought it might be a good way to get me actually thinking more instead of just doing. Right now, I’m thinking about baseball. I’ve been a baseball fan for as long as I can remember. Having grown up in the San Francisco Bay Area, my team has been the Oakland A’s, with the San Francisco Giants a distant second. With neither of them in the post season this year, I’m rooting for my sister’s state’s team, the Colorado Rockies. They tied up their series with a win today. I’m the baseball-aholic in my family. David tolerates it, at best, but he can’t pry me away most of the time.

I love the drama. Like now: Cardinals and Dodgers, two out, bottom of the 9th, tying run on second base, winning run at the plate. Crowd roaring. Two strikes. Who’s going to win this battle? It’s exciting. But you have to be patient to enjoy it. I loved it when the boys were playing Little League, though the game was adulterated by too-intense coaches and parents. I mourned when they quit, but I couldn’t let them see it. So now I pay a premium on Directv for MLB Season Ticket so I can watch as many A’s games as possible, much to David’s dismay.

The one thing I have a hard time with is losing my favorite players, especially to the Yankees. It’s just not right to see Nick Swisher in pinstripes. They trade away players who are going to demand high salaries for untested but highly touted youths. Seems to work for them, but then we grow to love them, and then they leave. It’s hard on the old heart. Sigh.

Well, now you know something about me. Hopefully you, and I, will learn more in the days to come. I want to learn how to make this post more attractive too. We’ll see what happens. Thanks for visiting.

Steph