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Highway to the … Comfort Zone?

Oct9

This post is a part of the Five Minute Friday link up. We write for just 5 minutes without heavy editing on a one-word prompt. Today’s prompt is “comfortable.” Let’s see how it goes.

When our daughter was little, she said to us one time, “Why do we even have a comfort zone if we’re just supposed to get out of it?”

What a great question! I like to be comfortable. I don’t like sleeping in places that have strange smells or are dirty (besides camping, but that’s a whole other discussion). I like to feel cozy and have a nice view and have things around me I love.

Like my family.

Recently, said daughter, our youngest child, moved out. I don’t like hearing the empty echo of her room now devoid of all her stuff. I haven’t yet cried because we’ve been busy helping her settle in (and she is close by and will come for family dinner once a week), but this event has brought up the dichotomy between being comfortable and spreading your wings.

Fledging is supposed to happen, both for birds and for children. Unless there are extenuating circumstances of disabilites and the like, we want our kids to find their own way in the world. Not that they are all alone in the process, but that they establish their independence and learn how they want to be in their own space.

I’ve been so thankful for the soft (dare I say comfortable?) landing spot God has given my daughter. She found a great fulltime job just a few months after graduating from college, and now she’s got a living situation in a house with three other women that she already immensely enjoys. She’s right across the street from her office, and she’s 15 minutes away from us.

I never gave a thought to how my mom felt when I moved out of my parents’ house. If she were still alive today, I would apologize profusely for not considering how my move affected her. It was an exciting time of new beginnings for me 40 years ago, and it’s a new beginning for my daughter today.

Fly, precious little birdie. You’re going to be just fine.

When You Can’t See His Hand

Aug17

Within the past couple of years, I have gotten back into baking things made from sourdough. I’m not an expert. I’m not even a baker, really. But friends and the internet help me along the way. One thing I really don’t know about is chemistry. And from what I understand, baking is chemistry.

The good news is, I don’t have to be an expert, I just have to trust the process.

I have starter from a friend (after I killed the last batch I had, but we don’t need to discuss that here). She gave me a little cheat sheet to help me along the way, and then I was on my own. Just a little water, salt, flour, and the wild yeasties that apparently float around everywhere. I try not to think about that part too much.

But with all the ingredients, a warm environment, and time, I have a happily bubbling jar of starter ready to be mixed into a lovely loaf or whatever other creation I desire to make that week. I usually feed my starter at night so in the morning, I’m always excited to see the growth. It’s like magic.

It got me thinking.

We raised three kids in our house. They had the same parents, the same environment, the same love, attention and care, with only minor variations given their temperaments and whatever might have been going on in our lives at any particular time.

So why haven’t all three of them followed the same path of faith? Why does one totally question the existence of God while another one has wholeheartedly pursued a relationship with Jesus? And why has the third come up with a totally different version of God than what he was taught?

Why are two gainfully employed and one having an enormously hard time even thinking about being tied to a job 40 hours a week?

If the same ingredients were added to each life, why aren’t the results the same? Why isn’t the growth visible?

And then God reminded me of another analogy I’ve been using about how He works.

Years ago we had a line of bushes called Ixoras. They have lovely blossoms of orange and yellow. But they began declining, and so we uprooted them and planted something that would regularly give us more color.

But one day, maybe more than a year later, I noticed a little shoot coming out of the ground near where we had uprooted those Ixoras. What we thought didn’t exist in our yard anymore suddenly showed new life. (The photo on the right shows it many months later.) And then, to our even greater surprise, another one on the other side of the walkway showed up. And though smaller, this one has bloomed. The bloom on that one got a little battered from a recent thunderstorm, but there it is, blooming, right next to where its kin used to be.

Somehow, some way, those roots were still alive. What we couldn’t see below the surface, God knew was happening all the time. It gives me hope.

Like living roots and sourdough starter, there is nothing we can do to cause spiritual growth in our kids except provide the right ingredients and environment, and trust God with the results.

When we can’t see His hand, we can always trust His heart. He promises to work all things together for our good and His glory (Romans 8:28). I don’t know what He’s doing under the surface in my kids’ lives, but I know that He loves them. And I know that He wants a relationship with them again. And I know that He will leave the 99 to find the one who has wandered away.

No amount of wringing my hands will make my starter grow better, and I’m not the one who made those little Ixoras push through the surface. I planted the original plants, but I had given up on them.

But God hadn’t. Only He knows the when and how. And I will continue to learn to trust the process.

Well Check Your Heart

Jun7

This post is part of the Five Minute Friday link up. We write for just 5 minutes on a one-word prompt without heavy editing and see what happens. Today’s prompt is “well.”

All parents know the drill. Every few months of a new baby’s life, they go to the pediatrician for a “well check.” This would be as opposed to a “sick visit.” At our pediatrician’s office, and I’m guessing at most similar offices, there are two separate waiting rooms for the well and the sick.

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As a parent, I was always grateful for that. I wish there was such a thing at an adult doctor’s office!

But I digress.

At these well checks, height and weight would be recorded, lungs and heart listened to, eyes, ears, nose and throat checked. The doctor just wanted to make sure that everything was progressing as it should in our babies.

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When our second was 4 months old, the doctor noted at his well check that he wasn’t gaining enough weight. That led to the dreaded “failure to thrive” diagnosis. He was thriving as far as we could see, doing all that he was supposed to be doing, but we had to do all this testing to rule out anything bad. Turns out—and his doctor figured this the whole time—my milk just didn’t have enough calories.

So we supplemented with formula and he was fine. So when the same thing happened at our youngest’s 4-month appointment, we didn’t have to go through the tests. We just started giving her rice cereal.

I was thankful for their doctor, and I was thankful for those well checks. It was always good to know that, for the most part, everything was going just fine.

Have you well-checked your heart lately? Listened to it? Checked its pulse? Determined that it’s staying soft?

20120722-083057.jpgPsalm 139:23 & 24 says, “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!”

That’s a very good place to start.

 

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Help! I Have A Teenager!

Apr9

Today’s post is a part of my 10-Minute Tuesday series. I write for 10 minutes, give or take, without any heavy editing, on a one-word prompt. Today’s prompt is “teenagers.”

People tend to think that parenting teenagers is pretty scary. It can be, if you’re not prepared for what you might encounter.

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For me, preparation for parenting teens started when they were born.

I mean, it makes sense, doesn’t it? If you are a constant source of rules and punishment and harshness when they are little, the rebellion they are going to feel when they are beginning to spread their wings and figure out what they are capable of will be greater. But if you are there to build a relationship with them, give them solid boundaries and are a safe place for them to process, then the likelihood of constant turmoil in your household will be diminished.

OK, stop right there. I’m going to make a big statement right now.

There are no guarantees. Your kids’ decisions are their decisions. All the best parenting you think you’re doing may not be enough to keep them from making stupid and life-altering choices.

Just like us, our kids are endowed by their Creator with free will. So don’t think that if your child starts down a path of destruction that the fault is yours. If you have been doing the best you can and leaving the results to God, then you have a clear conscience. Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes.

Maybe you think “I let my baby cry in his crib too long when I was wanting him to take a nap. Maybe that’s why he chose to walk away from a path of faith.”

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Or, “Maybe the time I yelled at my daughter for not doing something I had asked her to do made her try to find friends who would tell her what she wanted to hear, but ultimately led her into a destructive lifestyle.”

We can second guess ourselves all day long, but in the end, we do our best to love our kids and bring them up to love and serve the Lord, but they ultimately have to decide how they want to live.

The greatest lesson I’ve learned over the past couple of years is that prayer is absolutely essential. And so is community. If my kids make bad choices, I can’t carry the burden of their behavior. To be able to share what’s going on in vulnerability and safety with close friends is life giving instead of life draining. I only have one teenager left in my house. In three and a half years, she’ll be 20. It’s been quite a roller-coaster ride, but God has been faithful as always.

FledgeI recommend a few books for those of you in the throes of raising teens.

  1. Fledge: Launching Your Kids Without Losing Your Mind, by Brenda Yoder. This book was definitely life giving to me as Yoder said, “We are not called to raise godly children, we are called to be godly parents.”
  2. Parenting Today’s Adolescent: Helping Your Child Avoid the Traps of the Preteen and Teen Years, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. It’s been many years since I read this book (it was written in 2002), but from what I remember about it, the principles were solid, #1 being have a close relationship with God yourself. Seems to echo the “be a godly parent” quote from above.
  3. Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens, by Paul David Tripp. Again, it’s been many years since I read this book written in 2001, and I can’t find my copy (I probably loaned it out to some parent of teens), but I remember most that Tripp talked about not being afraid. Of using every opportunity you have with your kids to build relationship. I do hesitate a bit on recommending something with a subtitle like “a biblical guide,” but I don’t remember this book being a “do this and get that” type of thing.

For me, the bottom line is that we are trusting God to keep writing our kids’ stories—and our stories as well. Our goal should be heart change, not behavior change, and only God can change hearts.

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Strong Willed Or Resolute?

Mar19

This post is a part of my 10-Minute Tuesday series. I take a one-word prompt that a friend has supplied and write for 10 minutes without any heavy editing and see what comes out of my head. Today’s word is “strong-willed.”

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When people hear the term “strong willed,” they probably jump to the idea of a strong-willed child. Oh, you know how hard they can be! They are stubborn, obstinate, tantrum throwers when they don’t get their way. There has to be special books written about how to parent them.

Nobody has ever seen a book called Parenting the Compliant Child. We think that would be easy.

But what if we started looking at being strong willed in its positive form? What if instead of being obstinate, these people were considered resolute?

I think about Jesus who resolutely set His face toward the cross. I would say His will was very strong.

Trouble is, I know with kids who are considered strong willed, their will is usually against whatever it is their parents want them to do. I didn’t have a strong-willed child, so I don’t have any parenting advice, but I wonder if a mindset change could make a difference.

Can a 3-year-old be reasoned with?

“You sure seem to have your mind made up about what you want to have for lunch. It’s too bad we’re not having that today. I wonder what we can do about that?”

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Makes me chuckle to imagine it.

I know the struggle is real, you parents of strong-willed children out there. So I would just like to offer hope. It won’t come immediately, in fact, it may take them into their 20s to figure it out, but your resolute child could be one who has great perseverance. Once they’ve made up their mind, they go after that thing with gusto.

Think about Jesus. When he was 12 he was left behind in Jerusalem because he was sitting in the temple teaching the men there. Teaching! At 12 years old. “Didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house?” (Luke 2:49).

He knew what He needed to do, and He did it. Now, granted, He was the perfect Son of God, but what lessons can be learned from His life about being resolute?

Huge differences with our kids, I know that. But I think it’s not just a sin nature that is at play. Guiding a child to submitting their will to that of their parents is an arduous process. Parents have no easy task figuring out how to mold their child without crushing them.

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I don’t envy them the task.

But a compliant child also needs to be molded. They need to know that they have a mind of their own and that God has a plan for them. Every whim of someone else doesn’t need to be followed. It’s not a bad thing to question directives in the right manner and at the right time.

Does that make sense? We don’t want our compliant children to become doormats that others use to get what they want. And I think as parents we need to be careful to make sure our kids have a voice. Can compliance become apathy? Can these children become people pleasers?

I’m not a psychologist, so these are just rambling thoughts. But I do wonder.

I’d love to hear what you think.