I See You

Feb13

IMG_7606This morning, I noticed this cryptic message on my desk. I would normally attribute this kind of message to my husband, as we have been known to hide a small flyer with the Geico eyes on a stack of money in each other’s underwear drawer. But he says he didn’t do it. Must have been one of my kids. Perhaps fans of stalker movies would be unnerved by such a thing, but my mind immediately went to the movie “Avatar,” which came out in 2009.

The premise is that a group of ugly Americans bent on mining a precious ore from the planet Pandora send in a specialized team to try to talk the indigenous people, the Na’vis, into moving away from the area where this substance is most concentrated. If they don’t leave, the company plans on wiping them out. Problem is, this place is where their central spiritual life lives. It’s a bit more complicated than that, but, in a nugget, “avatars,” or beings made to resemble the Na’vis, are controlled remotely by an amazing scientific process of a sort of mind control. Anyway, a crippled former Marine gets the job of an avatar guard for a team studying the planet for research reasons, gets separated from his team, and ends up falling in love with one of the Na’vi women. In the process, he agrees to infiltrate the people and try to convince them to move. What he learns changes his mind. They cannot be moved, and should not be moved, and the wealth-aquiring aspirations of the mining company are really evil. (Check out this link if you want to know more.)

OK, so, what does that have to do with seeing? Well, instead of saying, “I love you,” Jake, the former Marine, and Neytiri, the Na’vi woman he loves, say “I see you.” It goes deeper than just saying, “Oh yeah, there you are.” It means I know you. I am a student of you. I am invested in learning your soul.

I recently read a really great article by Dr. Kelly Flanagan (see “Why One Text Message is More Romantic Than a Hundred Valentine’s Cards) about how something one loves is something one searches for when it’s missing. It’s called “object permanence” and babies learn that as they grow. That’s why “peek-a-boo” works with babies. Now you see it. Now you don’t. When you show up again, the child is thrilled. But if you take something a baby is enjoying away from them, they won’t go and look for it; they simply assume it doesn’t exist anymore. Eventually, they learn that it’s still around somewhere, and if they want it, they need to find it.

Dr. Flanagan asserts that letting your significant other know that you’re thinking about them throughout the day is more a sign of how much you love them than the most extravagant of gifts. A text message saying “I’m thinking of you” once a day can do more for your relationship than a dozen roses once a year. When you’re not there, I’m searching for you. When we’re not together, a part of me is missing. When I’m with you, I really see who you are. I see into your soul.

More than 20 years ago I heard a wonderful sermon by one of my favorite pastors, Chuck Swindoll. It was titled “Love, Sweet Love” and it contained the ABC’s of what love does: I Accept you as you are; I Believe that you are valuable; I Care when you hurt; I Desire what is best for you and I Erase all offenses.

I see you.

Happy Valentine’s Day

My Way Or The High(er)way

Feb4

laundryI got irritated with my husband this morning. That’s not all that surprising. We’ve been married just short of 23 years; there’s been many moments of irritation before. What may surprise you is the reason for my irritation: He did a load of laundry. What? How dare he?

It took me a bike ride and some time of quiet for the Holy Spirit to speak into my heart and help me figure out why I was so irritated by that. What I came up with was this: When I saw him take the hamper out to the laundry room, my mind immediately said, “Oh good! He’s doing a load of laundry. One less thing for me to do today!” Then, when I saw a short while later that he had only done a very small load of things he needed, I’m afraid, well, I didn’t react very well. Thinking I could check one task off my list, I was disappointed to find there was still the bulk of the load to do. Thus, irritation set in.

But, since David and I have been going through a marriage course called re|engage, we’ve learned to quickly ask forgiveness. We’ve already talked and forgiveness has been granted, along with a reminder that his way is not wrong, it’s simply different, another lesson we’re learning in our marriage study. He needed clean underwear before he left for work, thus the small load on a quick wash. I simply saw it as selfishness. It’s not like he caused me more work, he just didn’t cause me less.

Differences. They’re what make us unique people. So why is it that so many couples don’t celebrate their differences? How often do we read that celebrity couples have split up due to “irreconcilable differences”? Irreconcilable. Cannot be reconciled. As in, we can’t figure out why we’re so different? Or we just don’t want to have to deal with it?

I could have easily kept my irritation this morning. I could have left David feeling disrespected because I felt my way was better instead of hearing the reasons why he did what he did. Even then, I could have persisted that my way was better. But that’s not really what matters. My marriage, and letting God make it what He wants it to be, matters.

Why let the differences tear us apart? Instead of my way, I choose the higher way.

 

photo from http://www.wlu.edu

Caught!

Jan30

knivesA boy from my kids’ high school was shot dead this past weekend. It didn’t happen at school, nevertheless, officials with metal detectors were on campus bright and early Monday morning.

Now, my boys are knife lovers. They pore over magazines about knives and our computer monitoring software is always warning me about visits to sites showcasing knives, swords and other various sharp objects. But they know better than to bring one to school. But I still frequently worry that they’ll forget they’ve stuck one in their pocket as they get ready for school, simply out of habit. Hasn’t happened yet, but the risk is there.

And unfortunately, for a friend of my son’s, that risk grew bones when he was caught that Monday morning with a pocketknife on campus. For now, he’s serving a 10-day suspension. There’s still a possibility that he could be expelled. What a shame that would be. He’s a good kid. But, as my son put it, he’s an idiot.

A young marine I know could have served as a VIP motorcade driver. His teenage driving record, however, wasn’t up to snuff. Too many moving violations. His love for speed as a teen tripped him up too many times. He wasn’t chosen for that position.

Another friend of mine stumbled just one time and had premarital sex. The result? A beautiful baby, but a changed life as a rushed wedding followed.

Do those who speed always get caught? Obviously not. Does every sexual encounter lead to pregnancy? Again, obviously not. Does every student who knowingly—or forgetfully—brings a knife on campus get busted for it? No. But why run the risk? As the saying goes, If you play with fire, you’re going to get burned.

My 6th grade class takes a field trip every year to a local serpentarium. The owner has been bit 17 times by venomous snakes. Twice, he’s almost died. His hands are gnarled and bent and stubby because of his encounters with these dangerous serpents. Does he get bit every time he handles one? No. He thinks the job is worth the risks.

Is the risk of expulsion worth bringing a knife on campus?

Is the risk of unplanned teenage pregnancy, even if you’re practicing so called safe sex, worth the momentary thrill?

I’m praying for my son’s friend, that the administration will look at his record and determine that the suspension has been enough of a lesson.  I’m also praying that this has been a sobering experience for my boys. That maybe they’ll make doubly sure they’re not inadvertently carrying a knife on campus.

I trust my boys not to do something stupid, but I also know that they are boys, and they are teenagers, and they don’t always think things through. Better that they are forewarned so that they may be forearmed.

Knives. Cars. Sex. In and of themselves, not so risky. But use them in a way not intended by God and/or law and you chance encountering a life-altering situation.

Is it worth it?

photo from http://www.news.bbc.co.uk

What’s Cooking On The Back Burner?

Jan25

simmering potI quit my job the other day. It’s something that’s been bubbling on the back burner of my mind for several years, but that I’ve been unwilling to stir up and taste until now. You see, it’s what I know best how to do. It’s been a large part of my identity. I’m not exactly sure what I’m going to do with myself now.

But the time was right; I felt the Holy Chef tapping me on the shoulder telling me it was time to stir that pot and see what delicious meal He would spread before me.

So I called my boss and told him I was leaving. He wasn’t surprised. He had sensed it coming for awhile. And, while not thrilled at the prospect of replacing me, he knows it’s the right thing to do.

You see, I have a son who will be a senior in high school next year. I need to be there when he needs to talk about his future—or should I say, I need to be there to pull out of him whatever feelings he thinks he can identify and is willing to share with his mother. I need to help guide him through the college application process and the girls who will try to distract him from his goals.

I have another son who will be a sophomore in high school, and I need to be there when he comes home from school and wants to talk about his day, his life, his hopes, his fears.

I have a daughter who will be in her first year of middle school. I may be her 6th grade teacher next year. I need to be all there for her when we have those inevitable tween battles, to let her know that she’s beautiful and funny and talented.

You might find it surprising when I say that my job was unique. I actually worked from home. But my job was very deadline driven and when I had that deadline knocking on my door, I couldn’t just say, I’ll get back to that later. I had to get it done, and I’m not willing anymore to be engaged in something else if one child or another decides they need me at just that particular moment.

But that’s not the only reason I quit. I need time to hone the talent God gave me. It was 40 years ago that God showed me that He wanted me to be a writer. For 40 years I’ve been wandering in the wilderness, trying to find my way to the Promised Land that God had given me. I’ve worked as a journalist, an editor, a production manager and a copy editor, all for the same publication, for almost 28 years. For the past 17, my writing has been sporadic as I’ve taken on the role of mother. My time to sit and think gets stolen by a laundry list of other tasks. And frankly, I haven’t installed the security system to keep that from happening. So even as I pledge to be all there for my kids in these dwindling days that they’re beneath my roof, I pray for opportunities to write as God intended me to write.

It’s easy to leave that pot on the burner, never really tasting what’s inside, only catching a whiff every now and then of the delicacies it holds. But I’m going to do it. I’ve taken that first step of pulling off the lid of the bubbling pot to see what’s been simmering inside. Am I courageous enough to add some spices and take that first taste?

Or will I stay hungry?

What simmering pot do you need to start stirring in your own life?

photo from: http://www.idealhomegarden.com/recipes/simmer-pot-recipes-for-fall/

The Proof Is In The Pots

Dec27

IMG_3168We’ve been on a month-or-more-long journey of home-improvement projects. It started awhile back when we realized that we would need to replace our roof this year. One very smart contractor from whom we got a quote let us know that our insurance was required to pay for a new roof if it had sustained at least 25% wind and hail damage. No one else had told us that. It was a wonderful provision for us. It also meant that, instead of spending a recently cashed-out investment on a roof, we could tackle some projects at home. Like replacing our too-small refrigerator, redecorating our family room, repainting our pool deck and finally finishing a side yard that had been divested of its swing set a long time ago.

Watching everything take shape was a wonder. Finding sales, creating something beautiful from pieces of wood, planting flowers in December to fulfill the vision I had for the yard. When furniture salespeople told me I wouldn’t be able to find the color couch I wanted because it just wasn’t popular anymore, I persevered, and God provided. When my husband took my plan and desire for a whole-wall bookshelf/TV oak unit and built it with his own hands, I felt the love. When I wanted a certain type of pot for the flowers in the yard, and brick-and-mortar stores and internet searches let me down for weeks, I didn’t give up. There were many times I felt that maybe my plans for this yard were going to have to be set aside, and I was going to have to compromise my vision. But God knew what I wanted. He didn’t have to provide these pots—and for a really great price—but I think He wanted to give me a glimpse of how much He cares about the details.

Every time I look at all that God allowed us to accomplish the past 2 months, I wonder how anyone could argue the existence of God, or the fact that He cares about us. Why would God care what kind of flower pots I have in my yard? But He does. And He provided just what I asked for.

God loves, God provides, God cares.

And what about our friends with the sick son in Colorado? Does God care about them? Isn’t he more important than a pot?

What about the family who just lost their mother? Does God care about them? Why didn’t He provide a cure as He provided the perfect pot?

That’s the age-old question, isn’t it? Why do bad things happen to good people?

Because the world is a broken place. People get sick and die, suffering is rampant. And so is sin. That’s why we long for paradise, and the little glimpses that God gives us along the way help us hold on for the journey. They help to remind us that forever is longer than this.

How do we know God loves us and cares for the details of our lives? The proof is in the pots.