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When The Womb Runs Dry

Jan23

9-25-02.2I remember with vivid clarity the day we learned I had miscarried our first child. We were traveling home from Colorado to Florida when I started spotting. After 4 years of infertility, the thought of losing this long-awaited baby was terrifying. When the loss was confirmed, it seemed my tears would never stop.

That was almost 21 years ago.

I have 3 healthy children, 13, 17 and 19. Although we lost 2 more babies in the midst, our quiver is as full as we want it. Yet when the realization hit that I was on the downside of menopause, I cried.

I loved being pregnant. I didn’t suffer the nausea of so many of my friends. Although worried during my second pregnancy that the same thing would happen as the first, it got increasingly easier to relax. Nausea-free pregnancies, problem-free births (well, there were 2 short stays in the NICU for #1 and #3, but all was fine in the end), pain-free nursing (although I had to supplement #2 and #3 because they weren’t gaining enough weight). After our infertility struggle, I felt very blessed.

I was 4 days away from being 35 when I had my first child, and I was almost 41 when I Xmas 04had my 3rd, so another pregnancy really wasn’t in the cards for us. But still, the idea that it would never happen again stirred up feelings I didn’t even know were there. Somehow we think childbearing defines us as women and when we find ourselves unable to do that, our self-image takes a hit.

Now, after 2 years of no more visits from Aunt Flo, I am mostly at peace with the situation, knowing that an infant in the house would really throw us for a loop, but the baby boom in the young moms around me causes some melancholy. My friends from high school and college are becoming grandparents, having started parenting a lot sooner than I, and my arms long to cuddle newborns again. I plead for time holding the young mom’s infants, but somehow someone consistently beats me to it.

I know that there are many who cannot bear their own babies. Some opt to remain childless, some adopt infants, some adopt older kids. I have friends in all camps. The struggle is real. When I didn’t know whether I’d be able to have children or not, each new birth around me was painful. Now, each new birth is a joy as I know that it’s my time to be a mentor, to let the younger women have their chance. I’m certainly glad to be able to sleep through the night! And it’s probably a good thing that my daughter and I won’t be hormonal at the same time once she gets in on the act.

IMG_4533Bearing babies isn’t what makes me a woman. It isn’t what gives me worth. It isn’t even what defines me. I am a mom and it’s a wonderful thing. But I am first of all a child of God. Nothing will change that. Instead of being defined by the blood I used to shed each month, I am defined by the blood shed for me on the Cross. It will never run dry.

 

Now excuse me while I go find a baby to hold.

 

 

 

10 Ways To Know Your Cats Love You

Dec14

Ha ha ha ha! That’s a good one, isn’t it? Not only are there not 10 ways to know your cats love you, I’m not sure there’s even 1. But I’ve owned more cats than any other animal, so here’s what I’ve experienced in my more than 40 years of having kitty companions.

1. No two are the same, even if they look like it on the outside.

Here are Stella and Luna. They were abandoned and we adopted them in May. TheIMG_1421y are sweet little girls who wreck havoc in the most innocent way possible. Luna tends to cuddle with me more, but Stella has taken to coming in my room and jumping onto my bed and purring and pushing on me until I acknowledge her presence, even at 4 in the morning. Yea. That’s kitty love. Stella vocalizes more, and is the slightly smaller of the 2. She was diagnosed with a heart murmur when I first took her to the vet.She hasn’t had any issues since. Luna is a master lizard hunter and will growl at you if you try to take away her catch.They are virtually identical in looks, but different in personIMG_5206ality. Luna likes to be in or under something at all times. I can almost always tell which is which by what they’re doing. Unless they’re sleeping. Then they’re identical.

 

2. Even one who loves and trusts you can inflict pain.

Before Luna P1030013and Stella, we had Oreo. Oh my, what a big lover he was. He would snuggle up with me every night and curl himself into the curve of my body. He was big and he was rough and tumble102_0829. He loved to lie on his back with his belly bared for all to see. That was his favorite position. But don’t rub that belly or he’d dig those fangs into you in a second! He died unexpectedly 2 years ago yesterday. He was the first cat my kids knew from kittenhood. He was 17 weeks when we got him from a friend whose son wasn’t taking care of him as he should.

3. Even when you care for them their whole life, they’re not always going to act the way you want them to.

The first kitty I had when I moved away from home and started my adult life was a 5-week old little black ball of fluff living in the bushes where her mom was a straIMG_5086y. She fit into the palm of my hand.  Ashley lived to the ripe old age of 18. She was kind of crotchety and would growl at my husband if she was on the bed and he moved in a way she IMG_5085didn’t like. That didn’t go over very well with someone who doesn’t like cats in the first place. But she was my baby, totally devoted to me. She’d been  known to scratch people on a regular basis, but as seen100_0002 in the photo, when she was quite old, she let a toddler be her friend. She loved tuna, windmill cookies, and smoked turkey. Sometimes she would crawl all the way under the covers to the bottom of the bed. I always wondered how she could breath.

4. You never forget your first love.

My very first cat was Meshach, a Maine Coon. I only have very bad printed photos of hIMG_5083er, so forgive the quality. I got her when I was 13 and she passed away after I went away to college for my junior and senior years, about 7 years later. She was my baby, so she was devoted to me. She would sleep right on top of me and was with me all the time. It broke my heart when I learned she had died and I wasn’t there for her. It’s funny that though I very distinctly remember my sweet kitty, I don’t remember the fine details of life with her. But I remember the love. I remember that IMG_5084she would frequently get these sores on the bottoms of her hind legs that we could never figure out. We had to keep them bandaged and she walked funny while the bandages were on. Had Instagram and Facebook been around back then, I’m sure I’d have much more of a chronicle of her life.

So those are my feline friends, Meshach, Ashley, Oreo, Stella and Luna. I miss each one and never go very long before getting another after one passes away. It may be hard to say how they show their love, but somehow we just know they do.

I’d love to hear about your fluffy loves.

 

 

The Proof Is In The Pots

Dec27

IMG_3168We’ve been on a month-or-more-long journey of home-improvement projects. It started awhile back when we realized that we would need to replace our roof this year. One very smart contractor from whom we got a quote let us know that our insurance was required to pay for a new roof if it had sustained at least 25% wind and hail damage. No one else had told us that. It was a wonderful provision for us. It also meant that, instead of spending a recently cashed-out investment on a roof, we could tackle some projects at home. Like replacing our too-small refrigerator, redecorating our family room, repainting our pool deck and finally finishing a side yard that had been divested of its swing set a long time ago.

Watching everything take shape was a wonder. Finding sales, creating something beautiful from pieces of wood, planting flowers in December to fulfill the vision I had for the yard. When furniture salespeople told me I wouldn’t be able to find the color couch I wanted because it just wasn’t popular anymore, I persevered, and God provided. When my husband took my plan and desire for a whole-wall bookshelf/TV oak unit and built it with his own hands, I felt the love. When I wanted a certain type of pot for the flowers in the yard, and brick-and-mortar stores and internet searches let me down for weeks, I didn’t give up. There were many times I felt that maybe my plans for this yard were going to have to be set aside, and I was going to have to compromise my vision. But God knew what I wanted. He didn’t have to provide these pots—and for a really great price—but I think He wanted to give me a glimpse of how much He cares about the details.

Every time I look at all that God allowed us to accomplish the past 2 months, I wonder how anyone could argue the existence of God, or the fact that He cares about us. Why would God care what kind of flower pots I have in my yard? But He does. And He provided just what I asked for.

God loves, God provides, God cares.

And what about our friends with the sick son in Colorado? Does God care about them? Isn’t he more important than a pot?

What about the family who just lost their mother? Does God care about them? Why didn’t He provide a cure as He provided the perfect pot?

That’s the age-old question, isn’t it? Why do bad things happen to good people?

Because the world is a broken place. People get sick and die, suffering is rampant. And so is sin. That’s why we long for paradise, and the little glimpses that God gives us along the way help us hold on for the journey. They help to remind us that forever is longer than this.

How do we know God loves us and cares for the details of our lives? The proof is in the pots.

Always Keep Looking At Jesus

Nov27

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This morning, the day before we celebrate Thanksgiving in America, I was reading a devotional by Pastor Ed Young. His last words to me today were these: Always keep looking at Jesus, and tell others what you see.

With so much controversy, meanness and downright hate we hear from everyone from the press to the people on the street these days, these words are brilliant. Always keep looking at Jesus, and tell others what you see.

Oh, if only everyone, even those who don’t follow Him, would do that, how much different would things be? When I look at Jesus, I see obedience. He always and only did what His Father told Him to do. He obeyed his earthly parents. The result of that was a perfect life, lived always at the center of the Father’s will. How did He do that? Well, being fully God Himself helped, but He listened. He often went off to a quiet place to pray. His food was to do the will of the One who sent Him.

When I look at Jesus, I see compassion. He healed those who came around Him—and even some who had to have someone come in their stead. He spoke kindly. He had life in His words for those who were dying. The only time he spoke roughly, it wasn’t to sinners, it was to those who thought they were godly, but were “whitewashed sepulchers.” They might look good on the outside, but inside, they held only death. Hypocrites. He had no tolerance for them. The lost He lead to life. I don’t know who said it, but I love this quote: Jesus did not come to make bad people good; He came to make dead people live. Jesus’ words brought life to those who heard Him.

When I look at Jesus, I see unconditional love. He knew people all around Him were bound for hell, and He loved them. He spent time with them—yes, sinners! He taught them. And then, in the act of ultimate love, He died for them. The Scriptures say that without the shedding of blood, there is no forgiveness of sins. Without forgiveness, people perish. Ultimate love, ultimate compassion, ultimate obedience.

When people see me, hear me, read what I write, can they tell I’ve been looking at Jesus?

When you look at Jesus, what do you see?

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Five Things That Make Me Think, “Really?”

May16

upside-down-eagle_1842013iThere are so many upside down and backwards things happening in America these days, I don’t know what bothers me more; the fact that sinners keep sinning, or the fact that I’m bothered by that. If I want things to run smoothly, I’m just going to have to wait for heaven. Meanwhile, I thought I’d just vent a little bit about those things that just make me shake my head.

1. “The pro-choice” movement  justifies their stance that a baby in utero is not human–unless it’s wanted by its mother. There’s a man in Florida right now accused of murder for tricking his girlfriend into taking the abortion pill (misoprostol) causing her to lose their 6-week-old fetus to miscarriage. Had she gone to a doctor or a Planned Parenthood location and gotten the same drug and taken it willingly and knowingly–with or without the father’s knowledge–it would have been deemed her choice. The father basically does the same thing–wants to get rid of the “contents of the uterus” that he helped put there–but because the mother wanted it, the father is accused of murder. That’s patently ridiculous.

2. The IRS is involved with health care. What in the world have they got to do with health care? And why are they being allowed to do the things they’re doing? Again, ridiculous to the point of incredulity.

3. The present administration thinks that it’s OK to invoke this sequestration thing to supposedly reduce spending while still spending into the billions if not trillions of dollars. I have no words for the futility of their thinking.

4. The president calls a former basketball player congratulating him on “coming out” yet sends not one official, in office, serving politician to the funeral for Margaret Thatcher. I’m sorry, Mr. President, but your priorities, in my opinion, are screwed up.

5. People turn a deaf ear to the hypocrisy of our leaders. And I’m not pointing fingers at just one political party. I used to be a very trusting person, but years of hearing rhetoric spouted has made me very suspicious of anything any politician says. It appears that anyone will say anything to get people to vote for them. Power corrupts. That is an age-old truth.

Oh, how I long for heaven. And how I pray for our country and our leaders. God have mercy on us all.

What would you add to this list? What are some times you think people are just downright crazy and blind to think the way they do? I’d love to hear your respectful opinions. No personal bashing or name calling allowed.