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8 Life Skills I Want My Senior To Have Before He Leaves My House (#1-4)

Jul27

My friend Lucinda has a daughter who is also a senior this year. She posted on Facebook wanting ideas for life skills people would suggest she work on teaching her daughter this year. That gave me the idea for this post about things I want to make sure my son knows before he leaves home. Besides the moral fortitude I pray he is daily building, here are the first 4 of 8 skills I think are important for college kids to have.

bg-laundry-basket#1 Laundry

Ever since my kids were young, I have had them do their own laundry. They know how to sort it, use the washer and dryer properly, and put their own stuff away. My youngest isn’t the best at turning things right side out first, but that will come. Justin knows that if he wants his work uniform clean, he needs to plan ahead. He also knows that if he gets stains, he needs to use a reliable stain remover (Melaleuca is our detergent of choice). He also knows how to use the iron. He cares more about his appearance now than he used to, so I don’t even have to prompt him to do a load if his hamper is getting full.

Wallet_with_Credit_Cards_and_Money_Clipart#2 Financial responsibility

When my boys started high school, I took them to the bank and opened checking accounts for them. They have debit cards that they use for clothes, essentials like deodorant—very essential for a teenage boy—and food if they go out with friends. I still give them a sum of money each month with which to purchase these things, but the buying of such is their responsibility. I taught them each to use a budgeting app and they have a category for tithing and saving. Every month they balance their account with the bank. Since Justin also has a job, he is required to budget that money as well. On his own initiative, he opened a savings account and is having 20% of his paycheck automatically deposited into that account.

cooking#3 Cooking

When Justin was in middle school, I had this lofty idea of having him cook a day a week. That didn’t really work out, but luckily, he likes to be in the kitchen. He likes to bake and knows how to read a recipe, so he’s good to go. When my husband and I go out of town a couple of times a year for work, I leave him in charge of meals. Now that he’s working a lot more, I will have to adjust that some, but his younger brother needs to build up his kitchen confidence, so I’ll be putting more on his plate, so to speak. It doesn’t have to be anything complicated, just nutritious and plentiful. Even Morgan, my 11-year-old, has decided she likes to bake, so several times this summer she has gotten up early to make muffins or biscuits. She likes to help in the kitchen as well, so I involve her, along with my younger boy, Nathan, in dinner preparation. One thing I probably need to make sure of is that they know how to grocery shop for deals as well.

thank-you#4 Thank you notes

Even before they knew how to write, my kids sent notes to family and friends for gifts at Christmas and birthdays. Once they were writing on their own, they wrote their own notes. Before that, they just drew pictures and I wrote the words. Teachers always got thank you gifts with notes at the end of the year. Even in high school, knowing their teachers probably rarely hear words of thanks, my boys have given their teachers Subway gift cards and notes of thanks. When a teacher agreed to fill out an evaluation for Justin’s Academy application, he put in a note of thanks along with the invitation to the online form. It’s never a bad thing to show your appreciation.

Later this week: skills 5-9

laundry image from dirtylaundrydesigns.com; wallet image from gallery.yopriceville.com; cooking image from twighlightinsight.wordpress.com; thank you image from blogs.timesunion.com

 

5 Tips For Parenting Your Senior

Jun24

IMG_2877I’m just starting this new blog on traveling the senior-year journey with my son. I remember praying that Jesus would return before he started high school because I was—albeit jokingly—terrified of what he would encounter in {shudder} high school. And now here he is, entering his senior year.

Yes, there have been pot holes and debris in the road, but I must say the path has been fairly smooth so far, thank the Lord. And now the fun of his last year at home begins. I don’t in any way, shape or form pretend to know it all. But I have some good friends that have walked this path before me, and I will happily be gleaning what I can from them as the year progresses. Following are just a few things that I’ve learned so far.

#1. Give Him Freedom Within Bounds.

He really is a big boy (6’1 1/4″ of big). He has a job. He is going to be the vice wing commander of his 500+ cadet AFJROTC unit in the fall. He’s a part of a smaller group of guys from within his larger youth group who study the Bible and talk about issues. He doesn’t drink. He doesn’t do drugs. He wants to be a career Air Force officer. He really can be trusted. I need to back off. He’s not a toddler anymore.

#2. Be There For Him.

He doesn’t talk a lot, but when he does, both his father and I need to be available for him, even if it’s late at night. If he comes into the room where I’m sitting, I need to put down what I’m doing and be ready to listen. Sometimes he’ll talk, sometimes he won’t, but he needs to know we’re there for him.

3. Keep The Questions To A Minimum Unless He Invites Them.

My son hates for me to ask questions. I usually get one-word answers, which drives me batty. “How was school today?” gets me, “Fine.” “What did you do?” gets me “Stuff.” That’s how it’s been since freshman year. Now it’s said with a little grin. I still ask, but I don’t dig.

4. Think The Best Of Him.

If I’m always expecting that my teens are going to get in trouble, then I’m doing them a disservice. They are smart, polite, do well in school and have a relationship with Jesus. Sure, they argue sometimes and frustrate me, but this senior boy knows what he wants to do and he’s not out making trouble. If I treat him like a responsible adult, he’s more likely to act like one.

5. Pray Without Ceasing.

There is never a moment in time when I should think, “It’s all good.” During this year, there are going to be myriad of decisions both large and small that he’s going to need to make. Leaning on the Everlasting Arms is the only way he’s going to survive. He knows he’s capable; I want him to know he’s reliant on Jesus. As am I.

What other advice would you give?

Helicopter Parenting, part 2

Jun21

helicopter momLast time, I shared some thoughts about what happened to a mom who left her 4-year-old son in her car on a cool day while she went in to purchase one item at a store. (Read that here.) This post is a continuation of those thoughts about what it means to keep our kids safe.

Have you ever willingly fed your child GMO-laced foods? Have you been so busy you just didn’t have time to make dinner, so you ran by McDonald’s instead? What? Do you know how terrible that stuff is for you? Have you never seen “Super-Size Me?”

Have you used chemical cleaners in your home? Have you fed your family meats laden with hormones? These things are supremely bad for your health, and yet people eat them every day, and feed them to their children. Considering the circumstances, the above-mentioned mom’s lapse of judgement did not put her child in immediate danger. It wasn’t boiling hot; she locked the car and set the alarm; she was gone a few minutes. Dumb idea? Yes. Endangering her child? Sure. Nearly everything we do endangers our children to some degree. I let my kids play with our dog. Did I know that at any moment she wouldn’t bite one of them? No. How could I be totally sure of that? She was an animal. But I considered the circumstances, I had a history with this animal, and I instructed my kids not to get right in her face.

I tend toward helicopterness. I admit it. My teenage boys hate it. My 11-year-old daughter has never even crossed the moderately busy two-lane road by our house on her own. She’s never really had to. She’s always had someone to go with her. Next year, I’ll probably let her go on her own. She might be late to school as she tends to wait until there’s no car visible on the straight stretch of road, but so be it. She’ll get better as she does it. I let my kids climb the big magnolia tree in our backyard. Could they fall out? Oh yeah. Does that mean I don’t let them climb?

Our media-saturated, internet-addicted, child-centric society sometimes goes too far. We hear more stories than were ever heard of before because we have immediate access to those stories from all across the nation. It used to only be on the nightly news. And yet, from what I understand, crime rates are actually down compared to the 70s and 80s. So why do we fear the worst could happen? Because it could. That’s just the way it is. And no matter how much we try to protect our kids, something could still happen.

Are there people out there who really are bad parents and should have their kids taken away? Absolutely. I just watched a news story about a 15-month old girl who wandered more than 300 feet away from her home and ended up on the side of a highway. What? Where were her parents then? I also just read a story about a dad who forgot his baby in the backseat of his truck for a couple of hours in the Florida heat. The baby died.

That story and Kim’s, I believe, are very different situations. Kim weighed the circumstances and deemed it OK to leave her 4-year-old for a few minutes. Again, was it a bad decision? Maybe. But under the circumstances, it wasn’t over-the-top dangerous. Am I advocating leaving young kids in the car? No. In this case, avoiding possible tragedy is easy (even if you have to take a kicking and screaming child) and sensible.

The dad in Florida, well, he’ll have to live with his error for the rest of his life. Apparently, he forgot he had the child with him that day.

Kids die falling out of trees. Kids die waiting for their school bus on the side of the road. Kids die from dog bites. Kids die from automobile accidents. Every day. It’s tragic, I get that. But vilifying everyone who does something that you think poses too much of a threat, or keeping your child locked up in a bubble because you’re afraid the worst could happen really isn’t helping matters. It’s a broken world; bad things happen.

Ultimately, we make hundreds of little and big decisions every day about our kids. We can only do our best and the rest is in God’s hands.

My 17-year-old will drive himself to school and work. All three of my kids will climb that tree in our yard. My daughter will walk across the street by herself. It’s called living. I can’t protect them forever.

I’m willing to engage in polite debate on the subject. Comment below.

 

illustration by Jan von Holleben via realsimple.com

Helicopter Parenting

Jun5

carsI have recently read an article by author Kim Brooks titled “The Day I Left My Son in the Car.” And then I read a response by a blogger who raked her over the coals for her thoughts. (Read that here.) I found myself writing a long response to her response (hoping she wouldn’t then feel the need to rake ME over the coals with another response), when I decided, “Why don’t I just say this on my own blog?” It’s a little scary to me to do so, because this is a very emotional subject about which people feel very strongly. But here goes.

Long story short (in case you decide not to read her original article, which is kind of long, but well worth the time): One cool day (50 degrees and overcast, by her account), Kim made the decision to leave her recalcitrant 4-year-old son in her car with the windows cracked, the car locked and the alarm set, for a few minutes while she ran into a store to pick up a pair of kids headphones for an airplane trip on which they were about to embark. She was running late, her son, who wanted to go with her in the first place, was suddenly unwilling to accompany her into the store, so she made the decision. Someone in the parking lot saw her do it, recorded the incident on their smartphone, and called the police. She was arrested, charged, and sentenced, in the end, to community service and taking a parenting course.

Frumpy Mommy argues that Kim Brook is trying to justify her actions in her article by talking about the epidemic of helicopter parenting in our society today. I think Mrs. Brook knew she was wrong. I read the entire article. It was a lapse in judgement. I don’t agree that the person who saw her do it should have waited, recorded and called police. I think right then they should have said, “Hey, it’s probably not a good idea to leave your kid alone!” If she ignored/was rude to/cursed out that person, then maybe matters should have been taken further. Why not nip the problem in the bud instead of watching someone fail?

I had a friend who recently lost track of their 3-year-old child at the beach. One minute he was playing with his brother, the next minute he was gone. They searched for 30 minutes for that little guy, panicked all the while. Turns out, a couple down the beach thought to themselves, “This child probably shouldn’t be wandering by himself.” But did they call the police and accuse the mom of being a terrible parent? No, they followed to make sure he wasn’t harmed by someone, they contacted beach patrol, and mother and child were happily reunited. Do children wander away in public places? Yes.

I lost my son for a terror-filled 5 minutes once at Sea World. Was I a bad parent because I took my eyes off of him for a minute? Granted, Mrs. Brook left her son in a locked, alarm-set car on a cool day. She made the decision. It’s different; I know that. And I’m not in any way, shape or form advocating that anyone leave their small child in their car for any reason. I didn’t even go into a convenience store to get my receipt if it failed to print at the gas pump if I had my babies with me. But no parent is perfect. I think we’ve probably all put our children at risk at some point. I think her point was not to excuse herself—I think she learned her lesson—I think her point was to say that judgement of others has gone way too far.

There is so much more to say. Don’t judge me until my thoughts are all out there (like yes, she’s the parent and should have taken control of the situation instead of letting her 4-year-old have control. And no, I’m not saying she was right in what she did.) In my next post, I’ll share more thoughts on this subject.

I’m willing to engage in polite debate on the subject. Leave your comments below.

image from eriesense.com

Don’t Be A Sore Loser

Apr25

CalvinI just read a story tonight about a boy in Connecticut who killed a girl at his high school, purportedly because she wouldn’t go to the prom with him. Girl won’t go with you? Well, she doesn’t deserve to live! How appalling is that?

Guess he never learned that you don’t always win.

Have you ever played a game with a young child? Small children will manipulate the rules to any game so that it lands in their favor. But teaching a child how to lose is a very important task we as parents cannot neglect. We used to tell our kids, “Nobody wants to play with a sore loser. If you can’t lose well, you can’t play.”

The habit of youth sports teams now of presenting a trophy to every player is not doing the kids any favors. Your team came in last? Well, we don’t want you to feel badly about yourself, so here’s a trophy.

Hogwash. You lost. You tried your best, and you did a great job participating, but the winners get the prize.

Think about it for a minute: if everyone gets a trophy, what is the point of trying?

1 Corinthians 9:24 says, “Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.”

It’s such a fine line. You aren’t loved for your efforts, or for winning, you’re just loved. But if you don’t try hard, you’re not going to even have a chance to win. How you play the game is so very important. You can get a reward for showing good sportsmanship. But if you don’t happen to win the game, you’re not going to get the prize at the end.

Can you imagine if you were interviewing people for a job, you decide between several, and the ones who don’t get it sue you because you failed to give them the job they wanted? Doesn’t it feel sometimes like that’s what the world is coming to?

Nobody likes to lose, that’s true. Everybody likes to be the winner. But the fact is, not everyone can win.

My son is applying for the Air Force Academy. Is he going to be disappointed if he doesn’t get in? Absolutely. But he’s not going to throw a fit and declare that it’s no fair! if he doesn’t.

Work hard, try your best, and leave the results to God.

 

Calvin picture from pinterest.com