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Repeat After Me: 5 Things To Keep Reminding Myself

Sep23

little_heartsWhen my eldest was born, I found a quote that I wrote in his baby book: Having a child is like having a piece of your heart walking around outside your body. And boy does it hurt. I have good kids. They haven’t rebelled, they get good grades, they are respectful to us and others, we have a good relationship with them all. But it still hurts to see my almost-an-adult son make decisions contrary to our advice simply because he likes to beat his own head against a wall in order to find out that, hey, that actually does hurt.

So, I have to keep reminding myself of a few things:

1. My son is not me. He will not make the decisions I would make. He will not follow the path I would follow, nor will he follow the path I want him to take. And I have to be alright with that, or it will tear us apart.

2. Don’t worry! I keep telling my son I’m not worrying exactly, I’m just concerned. Semantics, that’s all that is. I have this totally unfounded fear that he’s going to do something to derail his future. He tells me to trust him. I have in the past, so why is it so much harder to do now that he’s got one foot out the door?

3. Keep your hands to yourself. Whatever I do, I need to let him become the man God has made him to be. I stopped making his lunch years ago, I need to stop trying to manipulate things in his life now. He will resent me for it. He is not a baby anymore.

4. Be thankful for the time you get. These days, my son is gone more than he’s here. He has a new girlfriend. He has a job. He still has classes both at his high school and at the nearby college. And I miss him, frankly. We knew this time was going to come, and I thought I was maybe a little bit prepared, but I wasn’t. I’m not. But it will be worse when he actually moves out, possibly out of state, at the very least out of the house. I need to treat this as a year of preparation for the real thing.

Wah.

5. God is in control. No matter what decisions my son makes, God is ultimately in control of his life. If he misses deadlines for college applications, or isn’t successful in being appointed to the U.S. Air Force Academy, or even decides not to go to college, his life will not be “ruined.” It might not look like we hoped it would look, but God is firmly, ultimately, sovereignly in control.

I keep having to remind myself of these things, and what I said here about how I should be parenting him. Letting go of a piece of my heart isn’t easy, but it’s necessary. It’s the right thing to do.

 

illustration from theroadtocrazy.blogspot.com

8 Life Skills I Want My Senior To Have Before He Leaves My House (#5-8)

Aug1

Last week I talked about the first 4 of 8 skills I wanted to make sure my son possesses before he leaves home. You can read that here. Here are the last 4, as promised.

clip-art-telephone-960170#5 Making phone calls to get information or make connections

I feel like a lot of teens struggle with this area. Maybe it’s just boys, but making phone calls seems to be a lost art. When Justin was applying for the job he has now at Chick-fil-A, he was told to talk to them again once he turned 16. The day after his birthday, I made him call the hiring manager. He didn’t want to be pushy; I told him he was showing initiative. With this whole Academy application deal, he has had to make calls to several different people. He hasn’t wanted to, but he’s done it. And he’s done very well with sounding professional. I think the more he does it, the easier it will be. There are still at least 3 other people I would like him to call to get advice, but I’m letting him take the lead on those. So far, he’s not leaning that way.

job_interview#6 Going on a job interview
Last week, a friend of mine asked me to help her 18-year-old daughter prepare for an upcoming job interview. We set up a mock interview one morning where the daughter would come to my house as if she were going to a real interview. I prepared real questions, used an assumed name and arranged for my husband to call me part way through as an interruption. Everything went well and I gave her feedback after it was all over. Yesterday, she told me she got the job! When my son was applying for his job with Chick-fil-A, we talked him through what to expect and went with him since he was a minor. But he was on his own for the impression he made. If your child hasn’t yet held a job, I highly recommend prepping him or her in advance. It’s gotta happen sometime.

preaching#7 Evaluating a church for biblical accuracy
Having been brought up in the church, attended small-group Bible studies and heard the truth taught in his home all his life, my son should be well prepared to find a truth-filled church. But we know that the devil is sneaky and can cause a lie to sound like the truth. Helping my son discern truth from lie is priority to us.

 

returns#8 Dealing with businesses
Not only does adulthood mean making decisions for yourself, it means dealing with people who might not always be easy to deal with. We started out easy—having our kids order their own meals from the server at restaurants when we went out as a family. Getting them talking to strangers in a safe environment helps prepare them to talk to clerks or potential bosses on their own. If you are not satisfied with a product you purchased, you need to let the business know. Making purchases, returning items, calling ahead to see if a store has something particular you’re looking for, these are all skills kids need to learn before they leave home.

I know there are plenty more ideas out there. What do skills do you want your children to have before they venture out on their own?

images from gifpic.com; roundpulse.com; Acts29today.com; wikihow.com

8 Life Skills I Want My Senior To Have Before He Leaves My House (#1-4)

Jul27

My friend Lucinda has a daughter who is also a senior this year. She posted on Facebook wanting ideas for life skills people would suggest she work on teaching her daughter this year. That gave me the idea for this post about things I want to make sure my son knows before he leaves home. Besides the moral fortitude I pray he is daily building, here are the first 4 of 8 skills I think are important for college kids to have.

bg-laundry-basket#1 Laundry

Ever since my kids were young, I have had them do their own laundry. They know how to sort it, use the washer and dryer properly, and put their own stuff away. My youngest isn’t the best at turning things right side out first, but that will come. Justin knows that if he wants his work uniform clean, he needs to plan ahead. He also knows that if he gets stains, he needs to use a reliable stain remover (Melaleuca is our detergent of choice). He also knows how to use the iron. He cares more about his appearance now than he used to, so I don’t even have to prompt him to do a load if his hamper is getting full.

Wallet_with_Credit_Cards_and_Money_Clipart#2 Financial responsibility

When my boys started high school, I took them to the bank and opened checking accounts for them. They have debit cards that they use for clothes, essentials like deodorant—very essential for a teenage boy—and food if they go out with friends. I still give them a sum of money each month with which to purchase these things, but the buying of such is their responsibility. I taught them each to use a budgeting app and they have a category for tithing and saving. Every month they balance their account with the bank. Since Justin also has a job, he is required to budget that money as well. On his own initiative, he opened a savings account and is having 20% of his paycheck automatically deposited into that account.

cooking#3 Cooking

When Justin was in middle school, I had this lofty idea of having him cook a day a week. That didn’t really work out, but luckily, he likes to be in the kitchen. He likes to bake and knows how to read a recipe, so he’s good to go. When my husband and I go out of town a couple of times a year for work, I leave him in charge of meals. Now that he’s working a lot more, I will have to adjust that some, but his younger brother needs to build up his kitchen confidence, so I’ll be putting more on his plate, so to speak. It doesn’t have to be anything complicated, just nutritious and plentiful. Even Morgan, my 11-year-old, has decided she likes to bake, so several times this summer she has gotten up early to make muffins or biscuits. She likes to help in the kitchen as well, so I involve her, along with my younger boy, Nathan, in dinner preparation. One thing I probably need to make sure of is that they know how to grocery shop for deals as well.

thank-you#4 Thank you notes

Even before they knew how to write, my kids sent notes to family and friends for gifts at Christmas and birthdays. Once they were writing on their own, they wrote their own notes. Before that, they just drew pictures and I wrote the words. Teachers always got thank you gifts with notes at the end of the year. Even in high school, knowing their teachers probably rarely hear words of thanks, my boys have given their teachers Subway gift cards and notes of thanks. When a teacher agreed to fill out an evaluation for Justin’s Academy application, he put in a note of thanks along with the invitation to the online form. It’s never a bad thing to show your appreciation.

Later this week: skills 5-9

laundry image from dirtylaundrydesigns.com; wallet image from gallery.yopriceville.com; cooking image from twighlightinsight.wordpress.com; thank you image from blogs.timesunion.com

 

5 Tips For Parenting Your Senior

Jun24

IMG_2877I’m just starting this new blog on traveling the senior-year journey with my son. I remember praying that Jesus would return before he started high school because I was—albeit jokingly—terrified of what he would encounter in {shudder} high school. And now here he is, entering his senior year.

Yes, there have been pot holes and debris in the road, but I must say the path has been fairly smooth so far, thank the Lord. And now the fun of his last year at home begins. I don’t in any way, shape or form pretend to know it all. But I have some good friends that have walked this path before me, and I will happily be gleaning what I can from them as the year progresses. Following are just a few things that I’ve learned so far.

#1. Give Him Freedom Within Bounds.

He really is a big boy (6’1 1/4″ of big). He has a job. He is going to be the vice wing commander of his 500+ cadet AFJROTC unit in the fall. He’s a part of a smaller group of guys from within his larger youth group who study the Bible and talk about issues. He doesn’t drink. He doesn’t do drugs. He wants to be a career Air Force officer. He really can be trusted. I need to back off. He’s not a toddler anymore.

#2. Be There For Him.

He doesn’t talk a lot, but when he does, both his father and I need to be available for him, even if it’s late at night. If he comes into the room where I’m sitting, I need to put down what I’m doing and be ready to listen. Sometimes he’ll talk, sometimes he won’t, but he needs to know we’re there for him.

3. Keep The Questions To A Minimum Unless He Invites Them.

My son hates for me to ask questions. I usually get one-word answers, which drives me batty. “How was school today?” gets me, “Fine.” “What did you do?” gets me “Stuff.” That’s how it’s been since freshman year. Now it’s said with a little grin. I still ask, but I don’t dig.

4. Think The Best Of Him.

If I’m always expecting that my teens are going to get in trouble, then I’m doing them a disservice. They are smart, polite, do well in school and have a relationship with Jesus. Sure, they argue sometimes and frustrate me, but this senior boy knows what he wants to do and he’s not out making trouble. If I treat him like a responsible adult, he’s more likely to act like one.

5. Pray Without Ceasing.

There is never a moment in time when I should think, “It’s all good.” During this year, there are going to be myriad of decisions both large and small that he’s going to need to make. Leaning on the Everlasting Arms is the only way he’s going to survive. He knows he’s capable; I want him to know he’s reliant on Jesus. As am I.

What other advice would you give?

Helicopter Parenting, part 2

Jun21

helicopter momLast time, I shared some thoughts about what happened to a mom who left her 4-year-old son in her car on a cool day while she went in to purchase one item at a store. (Read that here.) This post is a continuation of those thoughts about what it means to keep our kids safe.

Have you ever willingly fed your child GMO-laced foods? Have you been so busy you just didn’t have time to make dinner, so you ran by McDonald’s instead? What? Do you know how terrible that stuff is for you? Have you never seen “Super-Size Me?”

Have you used chemical cleaners in your home? Have you fed your family meats laden with hormones? These things are supremely bad for your health, and yet people eat them every day, and feed them to their children. Considering the circumstances, the above-mentioned mom’s lapse of judgement did not put her child in immediate danger. It wasn’t boiling hot; she locked the car and set the alarm; she was gone a few minutes. Dumb idea? Yes. Endangering her child? Sure. Nearly everything we do endangers our children to some degree. I let my kids play with our dog. Did I know that at any moment she wouldn’t bite one of them? No. How could I be totally sure of that? She was an animal. But I considered the circumstances, I had a history with this animal, and I instructed my kids not to get right in her face.

I tend toward helicopterness. I admit it. My teenage boys hate it. My 11-year-old daughter has never even crossed the moderately busy two-lane road by our house on her own. She’s never really had to. She’s always had someone to go with her. Next year, I’ll probably let her go on her own. She might be late to school as she tends to wait until there’s no car visible on the straight stretch of road, but so be it. She’ll get better as she does it. I let my kids climb the big magnolia tree in our backyard. Could they fall out? Oh yeah. Does that mean I don’t let them climb?

Our media-saturated, internet-addicted, child-centric society sometimes goes too far. We hear more stories than were ever heard of before because we have immediate access to those stories from all across the nation. It used to only be on the nightly news. And yet, from what I understand, crime rates are actually down compared to the 70s and 80s. So why do we fear the worst could happen? Because it could. That’s just the way it is. And no matter how much we try to protect our kids, something could still happen.

Are there people out there who really are bad parents and should have their kids taken away? Absolutely. I just watched a news story about a 15-month old girl who wandered more than 300 feet away from her home and ended up on the side of a highway. What? Where were her parents then? I also just read a story about a dad who forgot his baby in the backseat of his truck for a couple of hours in the Florida heat. The baby died.

That story and Kim’s, I believe, are very different situations. Kim weighed the circumstances and deemed it OK to leave her 4-year-old for a few minutes. Again, was it a bad decision? Maybe. But under the circumstances, it wasn’t over-the-top dangerous. Am I advocating leaving young kids in the car? No. In this case, avoiding possible tragedy is easy (even if you have to take a kicking and screaming child) and sensible.

The dad in Florida, well, he’ll have to live with his error for the rest of his life. Apparently, he forgot he had the child with him that day.

Kids die falling out of trees. Kids die waiting for their school bus on the side of the road. Kids die from dog bites. Kids die from automobile accidents. Every day. It’s tragic, I get that. But vilifying everyone who does something that you think poses too much of a threat, or keeping your child locked up in a bubble because you’re afraid the worst could happen really isn’t helping matters. It’s a broken world; bad things happen.

Ultimately, we make hundreds of little and big decisions every day about our kids. We can only do our best and the rest is in God’s hands.

My 17-year-old will drive himself to school and work. All three of my kids will climb that tree in our yard. My daughter will walk across the street by herself. It’s called living. I can’t protect them forever.

I’m willing to engage in polite debate on the subject. Comment below.

 

illustration by Jan von Holleben via realsimple.com